Sierra, I’m sorry. Call me several times burned and now shy, but I must reject your offer of friendship. Unfortunately, the same goes for you, Pat and Carole, and you, Ashlee, and, sadly, Stephanie and Katrina as well. And Gaston, don’t even go there. Now, I understand, you’ve tried contacting me via facebook friend requests, message requests and e-mail a number of times. I see your messages, with their pert subject lines — “hello!” “Someone wants to meet you” and who can forget “Want to come play tonight?” I admit, you are nothing if... Read More

This week, there was quite a tizzy in Hollywood that, for once, had nothing to do with a supposed satanic ritual regarding people dressed up as cartoon devils. No, this week was the Oscars luncheon, which reminded my of former colleague Liz Meegan, who was the only human being who I’ve ever actually heard use the word luncheon in real life. It also reminded me that the Oscars are coming up, and I haven’t seen many of the nominees, so I’ve got to get on that to make my predictions. Last year, I was more surprised at how boring and pretentious many of the movies are than I was impressed,... Read More

I used up almost all my sister’s voicemail the other day. It couldn’t be avoided. There was something of vital importance I had to share with her. Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz” was on the radio and the event had to be recorded for posterity. Especially the part where the robotic voice says “super duper.” You get the feeling that’s the part where the producers were trying not to cackle in Taco’s face. I’m a sick man, I know. But what afflicts me is a malady that most of us share — a love of cheesy pop songs. Not bad pop songs,... Read More

We live in a time where people are incredibly easy to offend. Oh, shoot, I’m already on the wrong foot, at 34 percent of the people reading that were offended by my insinuation that they might be offended by that, or that they might be easily offended. Damn! Another 22 percent were just offended by that second paragraph, because they think I’m being sarcastic. Ahhh geez… yet another 19 percent were just offended that I’d even bring up being sarcastic. Ok, let’s start over. Bam! A whopping 28 percent are offended that I’d want to apologize, and another 17 percent... Read More

Perspective. Context. They’re two of the greatest gifts you can give yourself throughout your life. Think about the things that seemed so important to you as a teenager. The people you wanted to date. The things you wanted to do. The goals you had, the friends you had. Of all those things, which are still important to you? Do the same thing for your twenties, or thirties, and every decade beyond depending on how old you are. Hell, if you’re a vampire, go back to the 1800s. If you’re one of the Eternals, ask yourself why you were sitting on your ass when Thanos was killing half... Read More

One of the more entertaining features that pops up on my Yahoo home page is the Soap Opera Update. It’s a recap of the previous week’s soaps. It’s pretty funny in a goofy way, catching up on the amazing, Dickensian plotlines being brought to life by over-actors on a daily basis. After all, how many other stories do I read that feature the names Bianca, Ridge and Alcazar? Some of the descriptions are fairly standard country song fare (she left me and done me wrong) or Springeresque stuff (she left me and done me wrong for both my brother and his wife, who then had a sex change... Read More

Welcome to the column for all carbon-based life-forms. If you breathe oxygen, this is for you. And if you live on a planet, especially Earth, well, then, you’ve come to the right place. Sorry, but I’m just following the new trend in advertising: casting as absurdly wide a net as possible. Products used to be advertised to a fairly specialized base. Each ad could be counted on to pander in its own unique way. You’d have your commercials aimed at seniors, in which someone sincere who was on TV when it was still seen only in black-and-white would give a testimonial about the product. Said commercial... Read More

I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook today, as I am wont to do when I want to incrementally lose faith in humanity, and I stopped briefly on a posting by someone trying to make themselves look far more hip and cool than they actually are. I know, I know, hard to pin that one down when it comes to social media! You’ll never guess who I’m talking about when you’ve got 80 million people to choose from there… Anyway, the person was making a comment about a certain fast food item that some people profoundly enjoy. They post about it. They revel in its return. They write with glee... Read More

Sean Leary is on vacation. The following is a column from the upcoming book, Sean Leary’s Greatest Hits, vol. 9, coming to bookstores worldwide this summer. Recently, I discovered a show that features some of the biggest dawdlers, layabouts and goldbrickers I’ve ever seen in the history of TV. A show geared toward kids. A show that may be poisoning the work ethic of this country’s youth and undermining our competitiveness in the world economy. That show? “Wonder Pets.” I recently became a father, and as such, I’ve started to acquaint myself with kids’ programming. Little did I... Read More

Watch out Deadpool. Stand back, Wolverine. Get bent, Superman. It’s only a matter of time now. This week, I got my second covid-19 vaccination shot, and as we ALL know from the research we’ve done on the internet, the alien DNA mixed with the Bill Gates microchip and a secret recipe of nine herbs and spices will soon result in me developing mutant superpowers, in order to fight the Nirons, interdimensional aliens who are due to arrive to conquer earth any moment now. What? You didn’t read that website? Or maybe it was just a TikTok? It’s not entirely out of the realm of... Read More