As We Look Forward To The Oscars, Let’s Look Back On Some Of The Worst Movies Of All Time
This week, there was quite a tizzy in Hollywood that, for once, had nothing to do with a supposed satanic ritual regarding people dressed up as cartoon devils.
No, this week was the Oscars luncheon, which reminded my of former colleague Liz Meegan, who was the only human being who I’ve ever actually heard use the word luncheon in real life.
It also reminded me that the Oscars are coming up, and I haven’t seen many of the nominees, so I’ve got to get on that to make my predictions. Last year, I was more surprised at how boring and pretentious many of the movies are than I was impressed, so I hope this year’s crop is more entertaining. It’s not that the films last year were BAD, per se, they were just… overblown. Know what I mean? Sometimes the directors and writers are trying SO HARD to be SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT that they forget that people also just want a good story without a heavy hand.
However, at least the films were well-made.
That’s more than I can say about “Shakes the Clown.”
“Shakes the Clown” was a terrible movie starring Bobcat Goldthwait as an alcoholic clown. The premise of it is far more entertaining than the actual movie, unfortunately.
My brother reminded me of that piece of crap when he texted me this week to bemoan the fact that “Shakes” had still yet to be nominated for an Oscar, and that it should’ve been nominated this year under honorary status.
He was joking, I think.
But that got me to thinking, not just about “Shakes,” but about the absolute worst movies I’ve ever seen. Not pretentious or overwrought or boring but just flat out awful.
So, what are they? Glad I pretended you asked! Because here’s my list of the stupidest or worst movies I’ve ever seen:
1. “The Heavenly Kid”: A ’50s greaser angel has to get a “female companion” for a dorky teen in order to earn his wings and get into heaven. He makes the kid into an even bigger nebbish by drenching his hair in Vasoline and making him look and act like Putzie from “Grease.” THIS is cool? THIS is how he picks up women? Then it turns out that the geek is the greaser’s illegitimate son. I’m sure this is a favorite rental at the Vatican.
2. “Body of Evidence”: Remember when Madonna used to make crappy movies? The worst actress ever to grace the screen made this “erotic thriller” and the result is about as sexy as Homer Simpson smoking a cigar and shaving. She must own pictures of Willem Dafoe and Joe Mantegna with inflatable farm animals — I don’t know why else they would have gone along with this mess. Utterly terrible.
3. “Robocop 2”: A disgusting and overly gory sequel to a great action movie. Its utter disregard for human life is shameless. The plot is extinct, and the script is completely devoid of any signs of human intelligence.
4. “The Legend of Billie Jean”: I’ve tried to forget this movie to no avail. A bunch of white-trash kids become fugitives because a hick sheriff frames them. They then become national heroes. The realism is staggering. It also features one of the most tasteless scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie, which is saying something.
5. “Poison Ivy”: Remember when Drew Barrymore used to make crappy movies? I don’t like to, because I really like Drew Barrymore, and she eventually became someone who made really great and fun movies and she’s such an interesting and cool person on her shows and podcasts. But for a while, back in the ’90s, her career was lost at sea, and she was stuck in an ocean of crap, like “Poison Ivy.” Despite the fact that they know nothing about her and she comes across as a psycho, a family takes in a hot young woman (Barrymore) to ostensibly be their nanny, and she seduces the father and goes all “Fatal Attraction.” The characters are all morons. Tom Skerritt plays a wimpy would-be hedonist in a script that could have come straight out of Penthouse magazine’s Forum.
6. “Meatballs 3”: Was there really that great a demand after “Meatballs 2”? Not to be outdone by the greaser, Sally Kellerman, in a bad movie, gee, what a shock . . . plays a porn-star angel who has to help a nerd lose his virginity in order to gain her wings. Did I miss something in religion class?
7. “Funny About Love”: The only thing funny about this movie is the fact that people actually paid to see it. This final nail in Gene Wilder’s career coffin stars Willy Wonka as a self-centered loser who is suffering a midlife crisis and wants to have a baby. Even more cloying and self-pitying than Facebook, the characters are people that you wish you’ll never meet.
8. A tie — “Over the Top” and “Lock Up”: And to think that Sylvester Stallone once was nominated for an Oscar for the spectacular “Rocky.” In “Over the Top,” Sly plays an arm-wrestling truck driver with a heart of gold. And the cast includes an annoying brat you’d love to slap. “Lock Up” features Sly in the strikingly original role of a wrongly accused prisoner being mistreated by a sadistic warden.
9. “She’s Out of Control”: Tony Danza’s big-budget film debut. Please. Need I say more?
10. “Arthur 2”: Another terrible sequel to a terrific movie. The only redeeming scenes include John Gielgud as the acid-tongued butler. The rest of the movie is Dudley Moore and Liza mugging for the camera and proving to be as funny as bamboo shoots under the fingernails.