Forget Kanye, I Am Formally Announcing My 2020 Campaign For President!
Ok, so about 50 percent of you hate Donald Trump.
And, about 50 percent of you hate Joe Biden.
But, probably about 90 percent of you, whether you like his music or not, think Kanye West is pretty freaking insane.
This week, Ye, as the kids like to call him, was more crazy like a fox with the brilliant public relations stunt of announcing he’s going to run for president.
Never mind that he hasn’t formally filed to run, and never mind that he’s way past the deadline to do so or be on the ballot in a vast majority of states, so technically, he has no chance. The fact that he announced it at all was absolute genius on his part, because the actual campaign of running for president wasn’t what this was all about, it was about the attention he’s gotten and will get for announcing a campaign.
Say what you want about Kanye, but he is masterful at manipulating the media and generating tons of attention for himself. Even if it is often under the adage of “no press is bad press,” because, let’s face it, he routinely gets his share of bad press.
But I’m actually kind of amused by Kanye and his goofy stunts, including this one. As we watch as the mainstream media actually gives this ridiculous publicity grab credence by going to the point of even arguing whether Kanye might tip the election to Trump or Biden by siphoning off part of the vote, Kanye just continues to get more time in the limelight. Good for him!
And, good for me!
Because, in the spirit of Kanye West, I’d like to formally announce that I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
That’s right. Never mind that I haven’t filed or that it’s past the deadline in several states. Never mind that I’m not especially well known outside the Quad-Cities and some snippets around Chicago and Southern California. All that matters is that I AM ANNOUNCING FORMALLY THAT I’M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Now, let me state right away that this has nothing to do with me trying to sell copies of my books, which you can get locally at The Book Rack and online at Amazon.com and a variety of other online booksellers. While you may really enjoy my best-selling collection of short stories, Every Number Is Lucky To Someone, which was nominated for an Oprah’s Book Club pick, or my science-fiction novel, Black Knight Apocalypse, which Diana Gabaldon, author of the Outlander series called “Very imaginative,” or even my children’s book with my son, Jackson, Here Comes The Goot!, or, let’s say my fantasy series, The Arimathean, which asks the question, what if the three wise men were ninja wizards sent to protect Jesus from being killed by the Satan-possessed King Herod?, I insist that I’m not just making this presidential announcement to sell my books! Not even my new novel, due in stores worldwide August 8, called Subliminal Cartography, which has been described by critics as “a brilliant cross between ‘Magnolia’ and ‘The Royal Tenenbaums.’”
No, I’m running for president to make some incredibly important changes to this country, because we’re a country of dreamers and doers, of people of action and accomplishment, who get things done, who love our freedom and our country, who are humble people who value hard work and commitment, and that’s why if I’m elected, I’ll be MAKING AMERICA KICK MORE ASS THAN EVER, DAMN IT!
So, how am I going to do that?
Glad I’m imagining that millions of you are asking, let alone giving a crap, because otherwise I’d have to think of another idea for a column this week!
Now, of course, I’m not going to be revealing ALL of my agenda at this point, or even my vice president (The Rock) but there are a few things that I will be doing as president that you will be thrilled to read about. Such as:
- During these troubling times of covid and unemployment, I will be making Netflix, Hulu and Disney Plus FREE for all American households. That’s right, FREE, honchos! So, how am I going to do this? Partially through a system of tax breaks and other incentives for the companies that own them, and partially through a “bullshit tax.” Anyone who shares a Facebook meme that is blatantly bullshit will automatically be taxed two cents, appropriately enough, because they’re giving their two cents. Although after my tax is implemented their two cents will actually benefit people and people will actually give a fiddlers fap about it. Economists and social observers estimate this should generate several trillion dollars per year, not only paying for my free Netflix, Hulu and Disney plan, but also helping to pay for …
- The This One’s On The House Plan, in which every week, drones will deliver a slate of fresh drinks to every American over the age of 18. (Must be 21 or over to claim alcoholic drinks.) Want Starbucks? Some wine from Binnys? Root beer from A&W? You got it! This will be paid for by the previous tax and also a special tax on anyone who blames their ridiculous behavior or decisions on their Astrological sign. Mix and match ‘em, you’ll get a sixer of whatever you want, courtesy of my tax on people who blame their horrible yet entertaining dating decisions and woeful drama-fest friendships on the fact that they’re a Sagittarius. (It’s only six drinks per week, because Sunday is a day of rest, ya friggin’ alcoholics.)
- In addition to overhauling the immigration policies in a humane, productive and common sense way, I will reallocate all monies previously allocated to the useless border wall to creating an America-wide Taco Tuesday. Every Tuesday, two free tacos for everyone! This will be paid for by taxing everyone who shares that Facebook status about them taking control of all your photos tomorrow if you don’t share that status. Also, just to show Canada that we love them too, we will create Donuts And Bacon Wednesday, Eh? That will be paid for by taxing anyone who hashtags or uses the phrases “I can’t even” or “living my best life,” or any dude who posts a picture to a dating profile in which he’s shirtless or holding a fish. (Jesus, I’ll probably balance the budget on that one alone! Get ready for prosperity, America!)
- All Confederate statues will be replaced by statues of Burt Reynolds as The Bandit, Ludacris, Outkast, or Waffle Houses. All represent a celebration of Southern culture and history in different ways, without being freakin’ racist. Statues of Burt Reynolds’ mustache are also acceptable. This will be paid for by taxing all guys who begin text conversations with women with “hey.” Every “hey” will be taxed, to, ahem, make hay for the treasury. (I’ll pause for a moment while you laugh uncontrollably at that joke.)
- “The Star Spangled Banner” will no longer be the National Anthem, and will be replaced by “Party in the U.S.A.,” by Miley Cyrus, because it’s a beautiful ode to everyone in America overcoming their differences and divides by joining together to, yes, yes, Party in the U.S.A. (Lone tear slowly falls down my cheek as I smile in pride.) Runner up: “Born To Run,” by Bruce Springsteen. Considered but disqualified due to the band being British: “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” by Def Leppard.
- I will not ask to be addressed as Mr. President, but rather, as Batman. “You magnificent bastard” is also acceptable, as is “O Captain, my captain!” and “Mike Honcho.”
- I will continue the grand tradition of an open and free press and hold many press conferences, but before I will answer any questions from members of the media they will first have to answer a trivia question about “Beverly Hills 90210.” I also promise that at least in every other press conference, one of the trivia questions will be about Muntz.
- Any company calling itself an American company and taking advantage of American tax incentives must move its operations and jobs back to America and as much as possible purchase its products from American companies or it must preface the name of said company with the phrase Poopy Diaper UnAmerican Rat Bastard (insert company name here). Yes, I’m looking at you, Poopy Diaper UnAmerican Rat Bastard WalMart.
- I will order the United States Treasury to begin creating a special new bill, the 1999 dollar bill, featuring a picture of Prince on the front, and Morris Day and The Time on the back.
- Taylor Swift will be allowed to finish 2020 with her VMA Award, but must turn it over to Beyonce in 2021.
Admittedly, the last one is a blatant attempt to court Kanye voters.
So there you have it – Leary 2020, MAKING AMERICA KICK MORE ASS THAN EVER, DAMN IT!*
*(Limited edition bandanas available soon at my merch store.)