It’s Going To Be An Extremely Eventful Week, According To Time Travelers And Aliens
Listen, folks, if you can’t trust time travelers and aliens posting on TikTok, really, who can you trust?
And those time travelers and aliens are BOTH in agreement that the Pumpkin Cold Brew is far superior to the overhyped Pumpkin Spice Latte.
And I agree with them.
But aside from that incredibly important information, the aliens and time travelers also agree that this is going to be an astoundingly eventful week for us — especially next Tuesday, when a number of humans are going to win the alien abduction lottery, treating them to fabulous cash and prizes!
According to one TikTok time traveler, and his alien compatriots, NEXT TUESDAY, Sept. 9, an alien that landed here on June 14 (but has been going incognito since then, probably checking out state fairs and entering corn dog-eating competitions) is going to announce their presence and tell earthlings that they are in grave danger — and will begin evacuating people 4,000 at a time.
Why are we earthlings in grave danger?
Gary Busey’s farts.
Hey, it’s certainly credible.
But no, that was merely a joke. Well, sort of, it’s no joke that you should avoid Gary Busey and his farts, but that’s not why the aliens are abducting people.
According to the reliable sources of TikTok time travelers and aliens, another species of aliens destroyed their home planet 990 light years away (Due to trying to harness the incredible power of Gary Busey’s farts???? Note to self: ASK THEM!!!) and needless to say, THEY ARE PISSED. So pissed that they decided to get in their space cars and hightail it to earth, where they’ll finally arrive in less than 100 years, because damn it, WHY AREN’T WE ANSWERING THEIR TEXTS????
But don’t worry, and keep those aliens on block, because the GOOD alien is going to be taking 4,000 skilled workers and children (read: nobody from the Kardashian family) to a nearby habitable planet called Proxima B. It takes 15 years to get there, so make sure you go to the bathroom beforehand, because they are not stopping. Then, the alien will return every 30 years, presumably with more ships and aliens, because otherwise it’s going to get really crowded, and that will, to quote the time traveler, “save humanity.”
And then once humanity is all on Proxima B, we’re going to have all the cameras set up around earth tape the frustrated reactions of the arriving evil aliens seeing we’ve given them the slip, and Ashton Kutcher is going to broadcast a message to the evil aliens telling them they’ve been PUNK’D!
ANOTHER Time Traveler from the year 2714 is backing up PART of this story! Sort of. The Time Traveler is claiming that part of the story, the alien invasion part, is ACTUALLY, REALLY going to happen this week, NOT 100 years from now.
Anyway, according to our friend the Time Traveler from 2714, the alien invasion all has to do with the meteor shower that took place in July.
To astronomers and amateur star-gazers, it looked just like the Perseid meteor shower, but it was actually a smokescreen (probably the kind that Shaggy causes) and that many of the so-called meteors are actually spacecraft of an extra-dimensional alien race called the Nirons, who are going to invade earth and wage interdimensional war with us.
So, what’s it going to be?
What time traveler should we believe?
One is saying the Nozic aliens are going to invade this week, and the other is saying other aliens are coming in 100 years to invade and a nice alien is going to make his presence known this week to save us. Or maybe this time traveler, who’s backed up by the alien on TikTok, is merely a double-agent, to make us think that the “nice” alien is benevolent but he’s actually part of the wicked Nirons and he’s just tricking us, because the Nirons cannot stand earthlings, probably because we were responsible for the show “King of Queens.”
Thankfully, no matter what happens, we DO have the most powerful known weapon in the universe against any and all alien attacks.
No, not Gary Busey’s farts.
They LOVE those. They’re like the most winsome and compelling fragrance to aliens. Why do you think they abduct him so much?
No, the most powerful known weapon in the universe, the one thing that is guaranteed to repel any and all alien attacks, is far, far, far more magisterial and glorious, and you can see it here.