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Quad Cities USA - Guide to Davenport & Bettendorf Iowa and Rock Island & Moline Illinois
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What’s Coming Next? More Dire Warnings And Strange News From The Time Traveler From 2714

August 12th, 2022
What's Coming Next? More Dire Warnings And Strange News From The Time Traveler From 2714

CERN got started up again this week, possibly flinging us into another dimension. Voyager went down, screwing over me and several million other crypto investors. And James Caan just died. None of these things were predicted by the Time Traveler from 2714, although that hasn’t stopped him from continuing to make predictions. And, despite his track record being dubious, it hasn’t stopped me, and many others, from being amused and intrigued by his b*llshit posts. As regular readers of this column know, I love reading about time travel, and the predictions of alleged time travelers. And... Read More

Forget Whoopi And Rogan, The Time Traveler From 2485 Is Back With Shocking News!

February 4th, 2022
Forget Whoopi And Rogan, The Time Traveler From 2485 Is Back With Shocking News!

This week has been an incredibly eventful one. Neil Young pulled his music from Amazon to protest them exploiting children and using forced child labor in China. Oh, wait, no, he actually didn’t! He actually told people to go to Amazon and listen to his music there! Young pulled his music from Spotify, in protest over the Joe Rogan podcast having on guests who espouse controversial theories on covid-19, like, you can catch it from believing CNN when they push fake wars and say that Saddam Hussein has been housing massive caches of weapons of mass destruction. Of course, the real virus spreading... Read More

The Time Traveler From 2714 Is Back, And You’re Going To Be Shocked…

January 14th, 2022
The Time Traveler From 2714 Is Back, And You're Going To Be Shocked...

He’s back. And what he’s got to say is going to shock you. Maybe. I guess it depends on your tolerance for shock. Anyway, as regular readers of this column know, I love reading about time travel, and the predictions of alleged time travelers. And while my all-time favorite is the legendary John Titor, one of my current favorites is a guy on TikTok who has gone by various names as he’s morphed his account. Currently he goes by the handle Aery Yormany, @aesthetictimewarper, and as he claims on his page, “I am back, I now travel to the past to unveil the truth.” And you... Read More

From Time Travelers To JFK Jr, Is A Celebrity REALLY Going To Return From The Dead?

November 5th, 2021
From Time Travelers To JFK Jr, Is A Celebrity REALLY Going To Return From The Dead?

This week, Q-Anon followers discovered what it was like to be Elaine Benes. No, not because they were denied harshly by the Soup Nazi. But because, much like the “Seinfeld” character, they were disappointed and jilted by their beloved John F. Kennedy Jr. Unlike Elaine, they didn’t meet him at the gym and get beaten to bed by Marla the Virgin. Instead, they were left hanging in Dallas expecting him to return from the dead, and disappointed when zombie JFK Jr didn’t turn up. Ya know, typical Tuesday. At least for Q-Anon. Apparently, there had been a rumor that turned into... Read More

Will The Time Traveler From 2485 Be Right? Will Aliens Invade Earth Tuesday?

September 5th, 2021
Will The Time Traveler From 2485 Be Right? Will Aliens Invade Earth Tuesday?

Well, there’s still time to stock up on toilet paper. As previously reported on QuadCities.com, your local news source for breaking news about time travelers on TikTok and alien invasions, our old friend the time traveler from 2485, as well as a couple of other time travelers (do they call each other and coordinate this stuff?) have predicted the earth will be invaded by aliens this week. When will this event occur? Don’t worry, it won’t interrupt your Labor Day barbecue and celebration. Those considerate aliens are going to let us have our holiday before completely rocking our... Read More

It’s Going To Be An Extremely Eventful Week, According To Time Travelers And Aliens

September 3rd, 2021
It's Going To Be An Extremely Eventful Week, According To Time Travelers And Aliens

Listen, folks, if you can’t trust time travelers and aliens posting on TikTok, really, who can you trust? And those time travelers and aliens are BOTH in agreement that the Pumpkin Cold Brew is far superior to the overhyped Pumpkin Spice Latte. And I agree with them. But aside from that incredibly important information, the aliens and time travelers also agree that this is going to be an astoundingly eventful week for us — especially next Tuesday, when a number of humans are going to win the alien abduction lottery, treating them to fabulous cash and prizes! According to one TikTok... Read More

From Trump To Time Travelers, Aliens To A Shutdown, It’s Going To Be A Busy Weekend

August 13th, 2021
From Trump To Time Travelers, Aliens To A Shutdown, It's Going To Be A Busy Weekend

So, is Donald Trump president yet? I’m writing this column around 10 p.m. Thursday night and it’s scheduled for 9:09 a.m. Friday, and I’m not sure what the exact scheduled time is for Trump to be officially reinstated as president or, according to some people, revealed as always having been president all along. Nope, I’m not kidding. No less of a reliable source than the MyPillow guy has said that Trump is going to be reinstated as president today, Friday, Aug. 13. This has followed previous claims that Trump was going to be reinstated as president on Jan. 20, March 4, and... Read More

Holy Marty McFly! The Time Traveler From 2485 Returns With More Predictions!

July 30th, 2021
Holy Marty McFly! The Time Traveler From 2485 Returns With More Predictions!

One of the most popular columns I’ve ever written was a fun whirl through the predictions of an alleged time traveler from the year 2485. Since it was published last fall, it’s been read by hundreds of thousands of people worldwide. Every day, it gets hundreds, sometimes thousands, of views. When I first wrote it, I had no idea it was going to be so popular. I was just fascinated and amused by this person claiming to be from the future, putting predictions out there on the Internet. If I had known it was going to be so popular, I probably would’ve included a plug for one of my... Read More

Three Out Of Five Time Travelers WRONG On Super Bowl

February 7th, 2021
Three Out Of Five Time Travelers WRONG On Super Bowl

When you can’t trust a random person claiming to be a time traveler on TikTok, really, who CAN you trust? Three out of five alleged time travelers on TikTok claimed that the Kansas City Chiefs were going to win the Super Bowl. And, well, we saw what happened. A romp of 31-9 for the Bucs. Tom Brady dominated the Chiefs and cemented his GOAT status with another Super Bowl ring, disappointing the Kansas City fans, as well as the one or two people who actually believe folks claiming to be time travelers on TikTok. Yes. It’s a sad day when you can’t trust random strangers claiming... Read More

Time Travelers Reveal This Year’s Super Bowl Winner, And It’s…

February 7th, 2021
Time Travelers Reveal This Year's Super Bowl Winner, And It's...

About half a football field’s throw ago, I wrote a column about an alleged time traveler from the year 2485. I wrote it as a joke, of course, because I can only take time travel so seriously. As a concept, I find it fascinating, as I find all esoteric science and the ilk fascinating, and of course time travel has been proven theoretically possible, so I don’t completely discount it out of hand. However, I also use a generous serving of salt grains when reading about alleged time travelers. And I add limes and tequila. There are plenty of time travelers on TikTok, the social media platform... Read More