I always love it when a batcrap crazy conspiracy theory gets trumped by an even more insane one, and so, imagine my surprise and delight this week. I’d already been getting ready to write about the conspiracy theories surrounding the death of Queen Elizabeth, which included her being a lizard person, her being a clone, her being a body double for the real Queen who was an immortal lizard person who was going to now possess Meghan Markle’s body, and, not to be outdone, that she was assassinated as part of the plot to reinstate Donald Trump as president, known, like an ’80s hair... Read More

This week, conflict stormed within the Democratic party, as longtime Democratic consultant James Carville, and longtime pot-smoking liberal comedian Bill Maher chatted on Maher’s “Club Random” podcast about Joe Biden needing to drop out of the race before he loses to Donald Trump. Both Carville and Maher said that Biden was too old and senile to run for president and that Trump would demolish him if the election was held this fall. This caused a number of corporate media loyalists to the DNC to criticize both men and defend Biden. In the meantime, I reassured by liberal friends... Read More

This week, Q-Anon followers discovered what it was like to be Elaine Benes. No, not because they were denied harshly by the Soup Nazi. But because, much like the “Seinfeld” character, they were disappointed and jilted by their beloved John F. Kennedy Jr. Unlike Elaine, they didn’t meet him at the gym and get beaten to bed by Marla the Virgin. Instead, they were left hanging in Dallas expecting him to return from the dead, and disappointed when zombie JFK Jr didn’t turn up. Ya know, typical Tuesday. At least for Q-Anon. Apparently, there had been a rumor that turned into... Read More

So, is Donald Trump president yet? I’m writing this column around 10 p.m. Thursday night and it’s scheduled for 9:09 a.m. Friday, and I’m not sure what the exact scheduled time is for Trump to be officially reinstated as president or, according to some people, revealed as always having been president all along. Nope, I’m not kidding. No less of a reliable source than the MyPillow guy has said that Trump is going to be reinstated as president today, Friday, Aug. 13. This has followed previous claims that Trump was going to be reinstated as president on Jan. 20, March 4, and... Read More

Between QAnon and the fashion return of flannel and ripped jeans, two of the hottest upcoming trends in pop culture seem to be ’90s nostalgia and the belief in a bizarre conspiracy about celebrities secretly possessed by demons. However, once upon a time, back in The Era of Cellphones The Size Of Bread Loaves, there was a celebrity who actually admitted that yes, he was once possessed by demons, although he was also cured. Odd? Odd, but true. The Lord may work in mysterious ways, but the the way the devil works is obviously just plain strange.  For example, God has been known to communicate... Read More

Katy Perry didn’t just kiss a girl and liked it, she faked her own death apparently and liked that too. And why the hell not? Everyone needs a hobby. As we thankfully roll into the last quarter of this craptastic year, the conspiracy theories just keep getting weirder and weirder. Some of them are pretty harmless and dumb, like people questioning whether Netflix conspired with China to create the Coronavirus (It was that bitch Carole Baskin, idiots! Geez!), and others are more along the dangerous and irresponsible side, like, ya know, certain print publications running cover stories telling... Read More

Listen, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Wow! Taylor Swift just released a new album! I wonder which ex-boyfriends all her songs are about?” Oh, you naïve child. Taylor Swift’s songs have never been about ex-boyfriends, any more than Planet Ping Pong’s pizza menu has been about pizza. Of course, those of us who aren’t SHEEPLE all know Taylor (I can call her Taylor) has long been a tool of the Illuminati, and her songs have incorporated secret coded metaphors for the takeover of the world. “Blank Space?” About people having their memories erased and reprogrammed... Read More

Listen, I’m not going to say that Kanye West dropped out of the race for President of the United States just because I announced I was running. After all, I’m writing this, not reading it out loud. But I do find it coincidental that after I announced I was running for president last Friday, within days, Kanye suddenly dropped his 2020 campaign. Hmmm. Suspicious. Kind of like a lot of other behavior by famous folks lately. Perhaps you’ve been hearing about some of it. Certain big-name celebrities have been shockingly AWOL the past few months. Tom Hanks. Ellen DeGeneres. Pauly Shore. All of... Read More