It’s Halloween weekend, and along with the tricks and treats, and little goblins and ghouls, there are other things that haunt me. Questions. Queries. Imaginings. About These keep me awake at night. Can zombies swim? Whenever I watch a zombie movie, I always imagine different ways that I could escape zombies if I ever found myself in that situation. I’m sure you can all relate. Now, to be clear, I’m talking about your standard issue, usual zombies that you see in TV and movies, the kind that move very slowly, shambling along, whose bodies are in a constant state of disrepair, and who... Read More

To celebrate Halloween, I’m dropping multiple columns for your laughs and enjoyment. Hope you all have a happy and safe holiday! Is there a vampire workout video? You hardly ever see any fat vampires. They’re almost invariably beautiful, young (or young-ish) and ripped. Even the evil decrepit old vamps are at least skinny. So, I’m wondering, do vampires only “turn” fit people? Or do people make deals with vamps and tell them, “Hey hey hey… let’s wait a minute here, shall we? Give me six weeks to get into shape, and THEN you can suck out my blood and turn... Read More

It’s the end of one year and the beginning of the next, which means that everyone is lining up their goals and resolutions to ignore and feel guilty about in the next 365 days or so. Most of those goals will involve some sort of fitness regimen or losing weight, getting in shape or dieting. Or some combination of all of the above. Me? I’m right there with you. But I’m taking it one step beyond. My goal is to find the vampire workout video. That’s right, the vampire workout video. Hear me out. You hardly ever see any fat vampires. They’re almost invariably beautiful, young (or young-ish)... Read More

I just got a friend request from a Hotel. The Super 8 in Moline. I approved the request, as I normally do approve requests from commercial entities seeking to pad their friend count (hey, I’m a businessman too, I know the game), and also because I thought it was funny that a hotel, particularly the Super 8, sent me a friend request. However, the friend request I really want to get is from the Traveler Inn. The Traveler is a little off-the-highway craphole in Davenport that boasts closed circuit TVs on their sign. I guess at one point that was a big draw. That one point? 1955. I’ve never... Read More

The following column is excerpted from Sean Leary’s upcoming humor book, Do Vampires Poop? And Other Incredibly Important Questions, available in bookstores worldwide in August. Whenever I watch a zombie movie, I always imagine different ways that I could escape zombies if I ever found myself in that situation. I’m sure you can all relate. Now, to be clear, I’m talking about your standard issue, usual zombies that you see in TV and movies, the kind that move very slowly, shambling along, whose bodies are in a constant state of disrepair, and who seem very easily outrun, although of course... Read More