New Years Resolution: To Find The Vampire Workout Video
It’s the end of one year and the beginning of the next, which means that everyone is lining up their goals and resolutions to ignore and feel guilty about in the next 365 days or so.
Most of those goals will involve some sort of fitness regimen or losing weight, getting in shape or dieting. Or some combination of all of the above.
I’m right there with you. But I’m taking it one step beyond.
My goal is to find the vampire workout video.
That’s right, the vampire workout video.
Hear me out.
You hardly ever see any fat vampires.
They’re almost invariably beautiful, young (or young-ish) and ripped.
Even the evil decrepit old vamps are at least skinny.
So, I’m wondering, do vampires only “turn” fit people?
Or do people make deals with vamps and tell them, “Hey hey hey… let’s wait a minute here, shall we? Give me six weeks to get into shape, and THEN you can suck out my blood and turn me into an undead creature of the night! At the very least, let me lose these love handles…”
Now, if that’s the case, is there a vampire workout video? Is there some boot camp that gets you in shape quickly before you’re turned into an eternal undead with glistening abs and ripped pecs?
If that’s the case, I think a lucrative pursuit would be to become a personal trainer for future vampires.
You would put people through an intensive two-month boot camp that would get them into ripped, ready-to-be-drained shape so that they could spend eternity looking like Calvin Klein models, instead of extras on “Roseanne.”
I think it’s a great money-making opportunity, just waiting to be explored. And I think I’m just the person to do it. Sometime in 2018. Add that to the resolutions list.
This is why DaVinci’s ghost jealously haunts me for rivaling his genius.