Holy Marty McFly! The Time Traveler From 2485 Returns With More Predictions!
One of the most popular columns I’ve ever written was a fun whirl through the predictions of an alleged time traveler from the year 2485.
Since it was published last fall, it’s been read by hundreds of thousands of people worldwide. Every day, it gets hundreds, sometimes thousands, of views.
When I first wrote it, I had no idea it was going to be so popular. I was just fascinated and amused by this person claiming to be from the future, putting predictions out there on the Internet. If I had known it was going to be so popular, I probably would’ve included a plug for one of my books in the column, like The Arimathean, about the three wise men as Ninja Wizards protecting Jesus, Mary and Joseph from armies of demons sent to destroy them, or Black Knight Apocalypse, which stitches together conspiracy theories from the fake moon landing to the JFK assassination into a story about a secret society of alien warriors from Tibet. But of course, you don’t have to be a time traveler to predict that I’d never think of doing something like that.
I’ve always been intrigued by conspiracy theories and the paranormal, and in particular time travel. Theoretically, it should be possible, and, ergo, there could then be actual time travelers among us. Why they would pick this year as a tourist destination is beyond me though, I’d much rather go back to the ’90s, when things were a lot more fun. But, to each their own, I guess. Maybe they really like Olivia Rodrigo?
As with any time travel situation, some of the people coming forth to claim that lineage seem more baloney than anything else, but there are some who raise your eyebrows with some of their predictions.
One of the more intriguing and popular alleged time travelers to come along in recent years is that aforementioned person who claims to be from the year 2485, who has released a number of predictions upon their social media, particularly on TikTok.
This person seems particularly insistent that there’s soon going to be an interdimensional war between the earth and a race of interdimensional aliens called the Nirons. So, ya know, you don’t have to bother paying those speed camera tickets, because we’re going to have bigger things to worry about within the next year or two. One thing this person did get right in their predictions was that this year the government was going to admit to the existence of UFOs, and that did happen. So, points on the curve, there.
However, this traveler is not alone.
There are many folks claiming to be time travelers on TikTok. I’m not sure why they go to TikTok rather than any other social media platforms as much, but maybe they like watching videos of girls dancing in bikinis, guys getting hit in the nutsack with wiffle ball bats, and Dave Portnoy reviewing pizza. Maybe they don’t have those things in the post-apocalyptic future. Damn Nirons!
Anyway, there are many time travelers out there. One of them, Aery Yormany, claims to be from 2714, and they offer four predictions to prove their veracity. Aery goes by the name aesthetictimewarper, which proves that they’re not a hipster, because if they were they’d go by artisinaltimewarper. Plus, they’d have to clean all the PBR cans out of their time machine after taking trips, and their TikToks would likely involve more predictions about when the next Mumford and Sons album is going to come out.
Anyway, predictions, yeah.
The first is that on Oct. 20 of this year, eight humans receive superpowers from the extreme energy of the sun. (Note: None of these humans is a member of Mumford and Sons.) Actually, another time traveler predicted this too, but they said that it was going to be NINE humans, but one would die from the experience, leaving eight. Those eight new super heroes will be needed to help save earth, according to Aery. Ok, pretty cool prediction. I’ll be looking forward to October, and hoping that I’m one of the eight, and not the ninth. I’m keeping up with my cardio and vitamins, just to be sure.
Aery also claims that on Nov. 17, over 30 new species are going to be found, including larger versions of snakes, sloths, dogs, birds and others. Yawn. This one seems thrown in to hedge their bets. Snoozer. C’mon now, give me some of these giant animals with cybernetic laser eyes or psychic abilities or something, Aery, don’t let me down here.
On Jan. 9, 2022, Aery says that a virtual reality life is created by a company called Arkh, similar to the one in the book Ready Player One. Again, like prediction two, this isn’t too impressive. I mean, we’ve basically got this going on already, with everyone playing video games and using avatars and the like, and blockchains like Decentraland offering virtual real estate. Pick up your game, Aery, you’ve got one more left to impress me.
And then they say on Dec. 1, 2022 a new pandemic begins, more contagious than covid but with a higher chance of survival. Again, that’s pretty predictable, especially as long as people keep avoiding masks and vaccines because they think they contain tracking microchips from Tom Hanks and Bill Gates.
So, let’s move on from Aery and look at AUTHENTIC time traveler, who goes by the name From The Future, who says they’re from the year 2582 and reassures us in many posts that their TikTok is NOT A JOKE.
Authentic Time Traveler also says that there are going to be a number of people getting super powers this year, but ONLY six people. I hope that’s enough to save the planet if they’re right.
They’ve got a couple of banal predictions on their page, like there’s going to be an underwater city discovered in 2026 (that’s pretty plausible) and that there are going to be new creatures discovered (durrr, that literally happens all the time; most of the world is unexplored), but they also have some spicier options, like that a huge hurricane is going to destroy New York City in 2023 (see “Hamilton” now while you can!), the Book of Mysteries, a font of
previously hidden knowledge, is going to be discovered in 2024 in the mountains of Sweden (new meatball recipes!) and that in 2025 the first trace of Cthulhu is going to be found in the Caribbean (that trace is going to be Cthulhu’s diary from his awkward teen years, which features some really bad poetry, and some disturbing hentai sketches involving tentacles.)
There’s also Real Time Traveler (good to know they’re insuring us through their name that they’re not those damn, dirty fakes!) which posts alleged video from the future which looks an awful lot like outtakes from “Blade Runner.”
And TimeTraveler2021, who claims to be a time traveler from 2062, but whose time machine apparently didn’t work well enough to get back to an era when they could secure the TikTok profile name TimeTraveler2062.
And then, there’s one of my favorites, an alleged time traveler whose machine did apparently work to grab their preferred screen name and snub a celebrity in the process. He goes by the name OfficialJimCarrey. (Why Jim Carrey, I have no idea, maybe Ace Ventura sees a huge renaissance in the future? Hey! Maybe he did venture back to the ’90s!)
He allegedly travels back and forth in time, and “proves” it by showing video of him standing in front of old vintage restaurants and stores.
Remarkably, this looks like he’s taking the pictures in our current time, standing in front of old restaurants.
Then again, maybe he just travels through time like the rest of us, one second at a time.
However, if you see a picture of him standing in front of Mulkey’s and saying it’s in 2085, don’t be surprised.