It’s Halloween weekend, and along with the tricks and treats, and little goblins and ghouls, there are other things that haunt me. Questions. Queries. Imaginings. About These keep me awake at night. Can zombies swim? Whenever I watch a zombie movie, I always imagine different ways that I could escape zombies if I ever found myself in that situation. I’m sure you can all relate. Now, to be clear, I’m talking about your standard issue, usual zombies that you see in TV and movies, the kind that move very slowly, shambling along, whose bodies are in a constant state of disrepair, and who... Read More

Whenever I watch a zombie movie, I always imagine different ways that I could escape zombies if I ever found myself in that situation. I’m sure you can all relate. C’mon now, admit it. When you’re watching a horror movie, you wonder how you’d do if you were in that situation. Could you get away from that werewolf? Would you make better decisions fleeing from that vampire? Would you decide that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have sex in the woods with that cute summer camp counselor after all those other campers were found massacred by the guy in the hockey mask? And when... Read More

To celebrate Halloween, I’m dropping multiple columns for your laughs and enjoyment. Hope you all have a happy and safe holiday! Are there Vampire businesses that are open all night? There are a lot of other businesses that amaze me with their tenacity to stay around. I never see anyone there. There are never any cars outside. They don’t advertise. They don’t seem to be particularly viable. Yet there they are, steadfast, inexplicable. Can these places be potential tax write offs or money laundering enterprises? Or do they have a set of clienteles that I’m not privy to, since... Read More

It’s the end of one year and the beginning of the next, which means that everyone is lining up their goals and resolutions to ignore and feel guilty about in the next 365 days or so. Most of those goals will involve some sort of fitness regimen or losing weight, getting in shape or dieting. Or some combination of all of the above. Me? I’m right there with you. But I’m taking it one step beyond. My goal is to find the vampire workout video. That’s right, the vampire workout video. Hear me out. You hardly ever see any fat vampires. They’re almost invariably beautiful, young (or young-ish)... Read More

I just got a friend request from a Hotel. The Super 8 in Moline. I approved the request, as I normally do approve requests from commercial entities seeking to pad their friend count (hey, I’m a businessman too, I know the game), and also because I thought it was funny that a hotel, particularly the Super 8, sent me a friend request. However, the friend request I really want to get is from the Traveler Inn. The Traveler is a little off-the-highway craphole in Davenport that boasts closed circuit TVs on their sign. I guess at one point that was a big draw. That one point? 1955. I’ve never... Read More