WARNING: This article is satire and may not be acceptable for more sensitive readers.

CORRECTION ARTICLE: Mockingbird on Main, home to avant garde Quad-Cities theater productions and run by area top hat and ascot aficionado and resident cult follower of Todd Cleary, Tristan “The Big Ragoo” Tapscott, has ceased operations after more than a decade.

“Actually, we’ve been out of operations for quite a while, why are you calling me?” Tapscott said. “The theater hasn’t been in operation since May 28, 2023. Is this AI calling me? Is this a prank?”

The theater ironically ceased operations on the same day as New Ground Theatre/Village Theater, which closed today after not having hosted shows or acted as a functional theater since 2024, according to precision local reporting from the Lee Corporate Action News Team.

When asked why the Mockingbird Bistro had ceased operation, Tapscott was wan and introspective.

“Well, it’s because the building we were in collapsed and became a pile of rubble,” Tapscott said. “Kind of hard to stage shows in a demolished building where all of the stage sets, props, and equipment have all been turned to ash.”

When asked about his feelings, Tapscott was constipated.

“I wasn’t really happy about it at the time, not really happy about it now, but that was almost three years ago,” he said, forlornly. “Why are you calling me again? Are you sure you’re not AI? You seem like you have an AI voice, like that uncanny valley thing.”

Tapscott had no comment on the future of the Mockingbird, or Carly Simon and James Taylor’s plans to build a new theater of the same name, because he hung up.

Tapscott did say that the theater was well known for hosting the Pleasure Dungeon Maryland Crabcake Brothel in its basement. He had no comment on whether the brothel will remain in business.

“The entire building collapsed!” Tapscooot said when asked.

This article was not written by AI.

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Sean Leary Director of Digital Media

Sean Leary is an author, director, artist, musician, producer and entrepreneur who has been writing professionally since debuting at age 11 in the pages of the Comics Buyers Guide. An honors graduate of the University of Southern California masters program, he has written over 50 books including the best-sellers The Arimathean, Every Number is Lucky to Someone and We Are All Characters.