“Do you feel as depressed as I do about being single on Valentine’s Day?” A friend of mine messaged me this question the other day, and it got me thinking, “Am I depressed at all about being single this Valentine’s Day?” And it got me answering myself rather quickly, “No. No, I am not depressed at all about being single this Valentine’s Day.” Not in the least. That’s not to say that I’m a cold, heartless bastard with no sense of romance or desire for romantic love or a significant other in my life. But it is to say... Read More

About half a football field’s throw ago, I wrote a column about an alleged time traveler from the year 2485. I wrote it as a joke, of course, because I can only take time travel so seriously. As a concept, I find it fascinating, as I find all esoteric science and the ilk fascinating, and of course time travel has been proven theoretically possible, so I don’t completely discount it out of hand. However, I also use a generous serving of salt grains when reading about alleged time travelers. And I add limes and tequila. There are plenty of time travelers on TikTok, the social media platform... Read More

Listen, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Wow! Taylor Swift just released a new album! I wonder which ex-boyfriends all her songs are about?” Oh, you naïve child. Taylor Swift’s songs have never been about ex-boyfriends, any more than Planet Ping Pong’s pizza menu has been about pizza. Of course, those of us who aren’t SHEEPLE all know Taylor (I can call her Taylor) has long been a tool of the Illuminati, and her songs have incorporated secret coded metaphors for the takeover of the world. “Blank Space?” About people having their memories erased and reprogrammed... Read More

You ever wonder what happened to Strawberry Shortcake? You know, Strawberry Shortcake, the cartoon ginger who has had her artificially-scented life documented by various cartoons/animated reality TV shows over the past couple of decades before they got sent to the reeking dumpster of cancellation? Her friends were Lemon Meringue, Blueberry Muffin, Orange Blossom and Raspberry Torte, and they all had their own sickly sweet and sour personalities, but Strawberry Shortcake was the leader. Strawberry Shortcake debuted in 1980 as a child in the cartoons, so she’d be in her forties now. And like many... Read More