WARNING: This article is satire and may not be acceptable for more sensitive readers.

The District Theatre, home to avant garde Quad-Cities theater productions and run by area porkpie cap aficionado and resident dandy Tristan Tapscott, has ceased operations after more than a decade.

“Actually, we’ve been out of operations for quite a while, why are you calling me?” Tapscott said. “The theater hasn’t been in operation since May 28, 2023. Is this AI calling me? Is this a prank?”

The theater ironically ceased operations on the same day as New Ground Theatre/Village Theater, which closed today after not having hosted shows or acted as a functional theater since 2024, according to precision local reporting from the Lee Corporate Action News Team.

Cheri Bustos of Moline is in her 4th term as Congresswoman for Illinois’ 17th District.

When asked why the District Theater had ceased operation, Tapscott was wan and introspective.

“Well, it’s because the building we were in collapsed and became a pile of rubble,” Tapscott said. “Kind of hard to stage shows in a demolished building where all of the stage sets, props, and equipment have all been turned to ash.”

When asked about his feelings, Tapscott was effusive.

“I wasn’t really happy about it at the time, not really happy about it now, but that was almost three years ago,” he said, forlornly. “Why are you calling me again? Are you sure you’re not AI? You seem like you have an AI voice, like that uncanny valley thing.”

Tapscott had no comment on the future of the District Theatre, because he hung up.

He also had no comment on where he was the night of the 22nd.

When slapped and shaken profusely by a rugged detective and a trenchcoat who had eight fingers on each hand and loudly asked “WHERE IS THE GIRL??!!! WHERE IS THE GIRL??!!!” he also offered no comment.

This article was not written by AI.

Tapscott’s Depression-era bluegrass musical premiered in 2014 at his former District Theatre.

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Sean Leary Director of Digital Media

Sean Leary is an author, director, artist, musician, producer and entrepreneur who has been writing professionally since debuting at age 11 in the pages of the Comics Buyers Guide. An honors graduate of the University of Southern California masters program, he has written over 50 books including the best-sellers The Arimathean, Every Number is Lucky to Someone and We Are All Characters.