Happy Birthday To You: Here Are The Real Top Songs
First off, I’d like to say today is my birthday, and because of that, I’m giving myself and all of us, really, the gift that keeps on giving, mostly because it’s posted on the internet and the internet never forgets. No, not a nude picture, but an entertainment column. (I said GIFT, not curse.)
Recently, Rolling Stone magazine slapped out another issue counting down the top 500 songs of all time. (Oddly enough, “Happy Birthday” was not among them.) Yes, yes, it was another transparent attempt to get people like me to write about it and give them more publicity, and darn it if I’m not going to be a good little brainwashed Manchurian entertainment writer and do what they want me to do.
Must … kill … editors of Pitchfork …
Nah, just kidding. Unlike some journalists, an independent thinker such as myself is not swayed by the power of the mass-media machine. So you’ll have to excuse me if, as I’m putting on my man romper, wondering about Kim Kardashian’s scabies infection, drinking my unicorn frappacino and programming my TiVo for “Game of Thrones,” I beg to differ with the pointy heads at Rolling Stone.
Pretty much every year they throw a list like this out there, and pretty much every year the same old songs make the list. “Satisfaction.” “Like a Rolling Stone.” “Hey Jude.” Blah, blah, blabbedy-blah.
But what about all the great songs Rolling Stone overlooks year after year after year? What about “Rico Suave”? “Funky Cold Medina”? “Cherry Pie”? And the “Brrr, it’s cold in here, there must be some Clovers in the atmosphere!” song from the movie “Bring It On”?
There are so many excellent compositions that RS editors consistently overlook, and it’s about time they got their due. So here, without further ado, is that due — the Best Songs of All Time Not Included in Rolling Stone’s List:
5.) “Clap Your Hands, Everybody,” Lamar and the Nerds, from the film “Revenge of the Nerds”: As if Booger Presley on a mean guitar, Takashi beating on the drums and the rap by little old him, Lamar, wasn’t enough, it also features a Lambda 4 feet tall. Word.
4.) “Get The (Heck) Out Of My House (Scalliwag),” 2 Live Crew: The world had been longing for a romantic song about violently kicking out a swain post-tryst, and suave, elegant Luther Campbell was just the person to answer that heartfelt call. Oh, and did I mention that the cover of one of Mr. Campbell’s records featured him sitting on the toilet? There aren’t enough “O’s” in smooth for Luther, my friends.
3.) “I’m Gonna Be the One, Girl,” Kyle Troy: Unfairly maligned by Andrew “Dice” Clay in the film “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane,” Troy’s raw outburst is a plaintive plea for coupling in a cold, unfeeling world.
2.) “(I Am in Love With) the McDonald’s Girl,” The Blenders: A brilliant, groundbreaking composition that blazed a trail for such incendiary pop classics as “(I Hooked Up With) the Hottie at Dairy Queen,” “(I Never Even Touched) the Jailbait Hostess at Denny’s” and “(I Woke Up in Bed With) the Burger King.”
1.) “Theme Song From the Tango Personals Commercial,” Anonymous: That funky, insistent synthesizer beat gets your fingers a-dialin’ while some of the most poignant lyrics ever written about man’s existential conundrum are read with sensitivity. “Life is good / Now I just need someone to share it with / That’s why I called Tango Personals.” And that chorus — so catchy! “Call now.” How can you resist?
So you see, Rolling Stone, there’s more to the great tapestry of music than “Tapestry” by Carole King. Your list may be good, but you need to add some songs to it. And one of those tunes really should be “Puttin’ on the Ritz” by Taco.