Over the last week, I was home sick, unable to do much but sit around on the couch and watch TV. In between catching up on the shows I’d TiVo’ed ages ago (“Preacher” was excellent, BTW), I stopped by to sample a few minutes of daytime TV shows and soap operas.

It’s pretty funny in a goofy way, catching up on the amazing, Dickensian plotlines being brought to life by over-actors on a daily basis. After all, how many other stories do I read that feature the names Bianca, Ridge and Alcazar?

Even more entertaining are the plot rundowns of the soaps.

Some of the descriptions are fairly standard country song fare (she left me and done me wrong) or Springeresque stuff (she left me and done me wrong for both my brother and his wife, who then had a sex change to satisfy her), but some are a little more adventurous. Some include vampires that done left werewolves and done them wrong.

Actually though, I wish there were even more bizarre soaps. If I was in charge of writing some of them, I think the descriptions might look a little more like this…

Guiding Light: The “Candelabra Killer” stalked Rika but she was saved when Tito gave her a ride on his Segway as the inspirational music of Night Ranger played in the background. Later, while out maiming Englishmen on the moors and investigating the “Candelabra Murders,” Jak the werewolf discovered an incriminating ruffled shirt and pompador wig at Sebastian’s bistro. Pumpkin tried to convince Paris that Jones wasn’t her baby and was actually an alien from the planet Sheeshk, but Paris became vexed and wouldn’t believe her. Later, while Paris was in a post-hypnotic trance brought on by extraterrestrial messages relayed through the “Montel” show, Jones ordered a Galactic Gunshorr to eliminate the earthling Pumpkin.

As The World Turns: Carly was impressed that Steve remembered her favorite pizza toppings. Binaca flew into a murderous rage when Trucker returned from the store with Sierra Mist rather than Sprite. Trog and Fiesta discovered a rare strain of human DNA that may or may not explain the disappearance of the harelipped quadruplets at Corby Ridge, then, to celebrate, they made love.

All My Children: Dylan threw his binky when his Mommy turned off Barney. Porky ate all the melon, Bunky had none and Peachy cried all the way home. Jordan and Jeremy have each grown three full inches in the last year! Cremora announced, via bumper sticker, that she was the proud parent of an Honor Student at Plunger Way Junior High. Jebby Jethro announced, via bumper sticker, that Calvin doesn’t like Jeff Gordon. Paige wondered whether it was a good idea to feed a baby chili.

The Bold And The Beautiful: Dondeesta learned that Forquita was pregnant with the vampire Rich Nice’s baby. After realizing Taj and Jubbles slept together, Porcupine threatened Taj and told him he would ruin his ketchup-flavored chip business. Jim wished he had a more exciting name.

Days Of Our Lives: Deacon was strangled by Beauregard but managed to get free from the dungeon and went into hiding in South America, where Rocky taught him the ways of the ninja. Rush admitted he was addicted to painkillers, but continued to rip the same liberal drug policies that allowed him to escape jail time. Remembering those hot summer nights on Fire Island, Big Bubba salivated at the prospect of Rush actually spending time in jail, then went back to creating a shiv out of a toothbrush for the big gang war/cotillion ball scheduled at Worship’s Brick Penitentiary later that evening.

General Hospital: Ira said his goiter had been bothering him. Alcatraz complained of a bloated feeling after winning the mustard-eating contest. Xandria reported she had lost a gerbil. Nikandra and Mechagodzilla began to rain terror and destruction down on the hospital, which had been magically transported through a time warp to Tokyo by Wantigo, who was jealous of Chinastra (Pookie) for making love to Joanie. Ziggy played guitar.

One Life to Live: After a nuclear confrontation in the Ti-D-Mart parking lot, Cusack proposed a duel with Zabka over the affections of Beth, who has secretly been cheating on both of them with Donger. Regis discovered Diego was a zombie. Alfie tried to break Kitana out of the clutches of the Noonatics, a cult led by former Hermans Hermits lead singer Peter Noone.

Passions: Julian was interviewed by Carson after “Art Is All” went to the top of the charts, and on live TV gave all his love to a shocked Martin. Kingpin (the dwarf) trashed Possumburger’s house after discovering he had been having an affair with Schmoovia. Kingpin (the giant) had his plans for world domination through a race of super-ghouls decimated when that adorable scamp, Jinkies, accidentally tripped on the cord and disconnected the super-ghouls’ suspended animation chambers from the electro-generator. To make matters worse, Jinkies taped an episode of “Lizzie McGuire” over Kingpin’s ransom tape, which he planned to send to the leaders of the free world. Oh, Jinkies, you so wack!

The Young And The Restless: Nicolai and Penelope developed a special water/air combination mattress specifically designed for the needs of the young, restless sleeper. The end of the world was averted when Sanders was able to find the mystic Ferrari pendant and use its touch to defeat Sears (Serge Menken). Charisma and Alyson had a Jell-O-wrestling competition to save the sick kids. Sean finished his column.