It’s that time of year again, and if you have kids in elementary school, you know exactly what I mean. School pictures time. That’s right, that time when you get your kids all dressed up and tidied up and get their hair looking perfect and their outfits looking spot on and send them to school, and then six or eight weeks later you get a packet of pictures that features a child that looks fantastic, but has a look on his or her face somewhere between fear, disinterest and a desperate need to pee. I’ve been pretty lucky over the years in that my 10-year-old’s pictures have been pretty good. ... Read More

“Fortnite.” “Overwatch.” “God Of War.” Know anyone who plays those games? Know people who say, or demonstrate by their actions, that they’re “addicted” to those games? Think they’re exaggerating? They might not be. It sounds like a sci-fi scenario, but from a logical standpoint, you could become addicted to video games. Much like anything else addicting, all it would require would be repetitive stimulation of the right portions of the brain, creating a psychological and physiological need. And given the practice of playing video games,... Read More

The following column is excerpted from Sean Leary’s upcoming humor book, Do Vampires Poop? And Other Incredibly Important Questions, available in bookstores worldwide in September. By Sean Leary Ever walk into your house after you’ve been away, or walk into a room and notice a strange smell? Of course, once you do, you have to try to find it, because who wants a strange smell in their house? I’ll usually look for some dropped food or something behind or under furniture, and sometimes that’s the case. Some bit of stray potable that tried to escape and sadly discovered its motion was limited... Read More

Sierra, I’m sorry. Call me several times burned and now shy, but I must reject your offer of friendship. Unfortunately, the same goes for you, Pat and Carole, and you, Ashlee, and, sadly, Stephanie and Katrina as well. And Gaston, don’t even go there. Now, I understand, you’ve tried contacting me via facebook friend requests, message requests and e-mail a number of times. I see your messages, with their pert subject lines — “hello!” “Someone wants to meet you” and who can forget “Want to come play tonight?” I admit, you are nothing if... Read More

It’s that time of year again, when every critic rolls out his or her best of for the last 365 days, in hopes of turning other people on to new music and showing off their own music tastes to the world, particularly other critics, who we all desperately try to one-up in our selections. And of course, I’m no different. So here are my picks for THE BEST MUSIC OF 2017!!!! 10.) album recorded by a hygiene-challenged, agoraphobic shut-in that sounds like The Beach Boys recorded in his parents’ basement on an eight track and a player piano. 9.) precocious, wildly hyped all-female British New-punk... Read More

It’s the end of one year and the beginning of the next, which means that everyone is lining up their goals and resolutions to ignore and feel guilty about in the next 365 days or so. Most of those goals will involve some sort of fitness regimen or losing weight, getting in shape or dieting. Or some combination of all of the above. Me? I’m right there with you. But I’m taking it one step beyond. My goal is to find the vampire workout video. That’s right, the vampire workout video. Hear me out. You hardly ever see any fat vampires. They’re almost invariably beautiful, young (or young-ish)... Read More

WARNING: Contains language some may find offensive. The language is used for context and is not gratuitous, but may trigger or offend some individuals. The Keaton bullying video brought tears to my eyes and broke my heart. As anyone who went to junior high with me knows, I was bullied mercilessly seventh and eighth grade years. I was a skinny, awkward, artsy, goofy kid with messy hair who loved art, writing, Dr. Who, David Bowie, Duran Duran and all kinds of other so-called “faggot things.” I was poor and had ripped clothes and went to a rich kids’ school. I was pitifully awkward with girls... Read More

I just got a friend request from a Hotel. The Super 8 in Moline. I approved the request, as I normally do approve requests from commercial entities seeking to pad their friend count (hey, I’m a businessman too, I know the game), and also because I thought it was funny that a hotel, particularly the Super 8, sent me a friend request. However, the friend request I really want to get is from the Traveler Inn. The Traveler is a little off-the-highway craphole in Davenport that boasts closed circuit TVs on their sign. I guess at one point that was a big draw. That one point? 1955. I’ve never... Read More

The following column is excerpted from Sean Leary’s upcoming humor book, Do Vampires Poop? And Other Incredibly Important Questions, available in bookstores worldwide in September. Ever walk into your house after you’ve been away, or walk into a room and notice a strange smell? Of course, once you do, you have to try to find it, because who wants a strange smell in their house? I’ll usually look for some dropped food or something behind or under furniture, and sometimes that’s the case. Some bit of stray potable that tried to escape and sadly discovered its motion was limited to whatever... Read More

The following column is excerpted from Sean Leary’s upcoming humor book, Do Vampires Poop? And Other Incredibly Important Questions, available in bookstores worldwide in August. Whenever I watch a zombie movie, I always imagine different ways that I could escape zombies if I ever found myself in that situation. I’m sure you can all relate. Now, to be clear, I’m talking about your standard issue, usual zombies that you see in TV and movies, the kind that move very slowly, shambling along, whose bodies are in a constant state of disrepair, and who seem very easily outrun, although of course... Read More