Katy Perry didn’t just kiss a girl and liked it, she faked her own death apparently and liked that too.

And why the hell not? Everyone needs a hobby.

I hope they’re kidding, but probably not. Actually, I hear they’ve been booked to speak at the RNC.

As we thankfully roll into the last quarter of this craptastic year, the conspiracy theories just keep getting weirder and weirder. Some of them are pretty harmless and dumb, like people questioning whether Netflix conspired with China to create the Coronavirus (It was that bitch Carole Baskin, idiots! Geez!), and others are more along the dangerous and irresponsible side, like, ya know, certain print publications running cover stories telling people they shouldn’t wear masks in the middle of a pandemic.

There are definitely some that are gaining far more traction than others, like Q-Anon. I told you a few weeks back about Q-Anon positing that Tom Hanks, Oprah and Ellen, among others, are pedophiles, and that Wilson the volleyball is actually code for some satanic ritual.

Another biggie that keeps getting put out there on the interwebs and social media is that Q is none other than John F. Kennedy Jr., who allegedly faked his death in a plane crash, befriended Donald Trump, and, along with him, plotted to wait more than three decades to finally take down the Deep State that secretly assassinated his father. Why did he wait this long? I guess he had to catch up on watching all those episodes of “Friends” he missed.

Anyway, climbing the charts again on TikTok in recent weeks, in between girls dancing to a song saying they want to be f**ked to sleep, is an oldie but goodie about pop singer and “American Idol” judge Katy Perry.

No, it’s not the logical one, that she and Zooey Deschanel are twins separated at birth. (I’ve talked to my longtime secret girlfriend Zooey about this, and we’ve both had a laugh several times over it. She’s quirky and impish, don’t ya know!)

Satan Demands A Monte Carlo is my new band name.

And no, it’s not the kind of routine famous person one, that Perry gave up Christian singing because she sold her soul to the devil to become a huge megastar, and he told her to sing about lesbianism, just to make Jerry Falwell Jr. mad, because Falwell was hoping she was going to have a breakout hit about banging a cabana boy while her cuck husband watched. (At this point, even the devil is bored with that one; currently he requires not just your soul, but your left pinky toe, three of your best memories, a 1986 Chevy Monte Carlo, and your ability to taste cilantro.)

No, no, no, the conspiracy theory that’s been making the rounds on TikTok and elsewhere lately is one that started back in 2014, when a YouTube video presented “compelling evidence” that Katy Perry was actually none other than child beauty pageant winner JonBenét Ramsey, who according to “fake news” reports, was murdered in her home on Christmas of 1996.

One of the many YouTube videos talking about the puzzling conspiracy theory that Katy Perry is JonBenet Ramsey.

However, according to the “real news” of the conspiracy theorists, JonBenet was not murdered, and in fact she, along with her parents, faked her death as part of an Illuminati cover-up, and the Illuminati turned her into a mind-controlled drone through Project Monarch, who then became the pop star Katy Perry, since all pop stars are mind-controlled drones used to push the Illuminati way, satanic changes to society, pumpkin spice lattes, Gap clothes, and the slang word “jerkin’!”

Now, this may seem to some of you like the plotline to the movie “Josie and the Pussycats,” (which is really underrated, seriously), but no, these people actually think that Katy Perry is secretly JonBenet Ramsey.

Evidence includes the fact that they’re both entertainers, they look somewhat alike (I guess? Maybe? It’s hard to say since JonBenet was 6…), Perry mentioned JonBenet briefly in her biography (joking about how she was a performer at a young age similar to JonBenet), and they have the same eyebrows.

Yeah.

Same eyebrows.

“In the latest episode of ‘Twin Peaks’…”

Not kidding.

Another reason given is that Katy Perry has repeatedly said she does not like pineapple on her pizza, and JonBenet Ramsey, according to investigators, apparently was possibly killed over a pineapple.

Yeah.

Now, a lot of women have the same eyebrows, because those brow places at the mall do a hell of a job in regard to consistency. I mean, really, my brows have never looked more delicate and sexy, honestly, hats off to you, Shecky’s House Of Brows And Nails, bra-vo!

We can also ignore the fact that JonBenet’s parents and Katy Perry’s parents are still alive and not the same people, because the Illuminati can create mind-controlled clones (DUH!)

We can also ignore the band Blind Melon, because their original singer died and they haven’t had a hit in decades.

But what we REALLY can’t ignore is the incontrovertible evidence that Katy Perry and JonBenet Ramsey CANNOT be the same person.

JonBenet thinks the dress is white and gold, and Katy thinks it’s blue and black.

It’s white and gold. Jesus, people!

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Sean Leary is an author, director, artist, musician, producer and entrepreneur who has been writing professionally since debuting at age 11 in the pages of the Comics Buyers Guide. An honors graduate of the University of Southern California masters program, he has written over 50 books including the best-sellers The Arimathean, Every Number is Lucky to Someone and We Are All Characters.