Is Lincoln’s Ghost A Pervert? Are Blues Musicians Oompa-Loompas? Find Out Those Answers And More…
You’ve heard the expression, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
Well, ask several stupid questions, and get several stupider answers.
Case in point:
Q: Why aren’t the comedy shows telling more jokes about Joe Biden?
A: The same reason there aren’t many jokes involving a turkey sandwich on white bread without mayonnaise because someone thinks it’s “too spicy.”
Q: Are you saying Joe Biden is boring?
A: I’m not saying Joe Biden is boring, but when he and Jill are trying to spice things up in the bedroom a bit, he says, “Call me Joey Biden.”
Q: How do you know that?
A: Abraham Lincoln’s ghost told me. Total voyeur. Perv.
Q: Why do so many blues musicians, like Little Milton, etc., have the nickname “Little?”
A: Because many blues musicians are descended from Oompa-Loompas.
Blues music actually began with Oompa chocolate workers singing improvised spirituals bemoaning the harsh, sweatshop-like conditions in Willy Wonka’s factory, or as many of the Loopa bluesmen tagged it, “Stickyfingers Hell.”
Some of the early pioneers of the artform, Little Willy Bigbrows, Howlin’ Tangerine and Jimmy “Greenhair” Doggins, are oddly ignored by many blues historians, despite a rich legacy that includes such ground-breaking tracks as “Ain’t Gonna Work At Wonka’s Factory No Mo’,” “Got the Can’t Reach the Top O’ The Golden Wrapper Table Blues,” and “My Uniform Stockin’s is Striped ‘Cause I’m Doin’ Time.”
Q: What’s a Wiz Khalifa?
A: What you get about an hour after finishing a Big Gulp of soda.
Q: In the Eagles song “Take It Easy,” what is meant by the lyric, “I’m just drivin’ down the road / tryin’ to loosen my load?”
A: Glenn Frey should’ve included more prunes in his diet.
Q: Did you just back-to-back a pee and a poop joke?
A: Yes. That was a special request from the Blink 182 Fan Club of Greater Bettendorf.
Q: Why are there so many shows about grisly murders being solved on in prime time?
A: Because nothing goes better after a big dinner than sitting in front of the TV and listening to a forensic specialist talk about someone’s kidney being turned into origami by a serial killer. It’s like an aperitif. Made of head cheese.
Q: What’s A Cautionary Tale?
A: Cautionary tales were first introduced by the little-known Duke of Cautionary in the 1300s and were later stolen by Geoffrey Chaucer, who published “The Cautionary Tales,” a century later. Perhaps in a bit of karmic justice, Chaucer’s tome of pilfered stories was a flop, but it led him to work harder on his next book, which became “The Canterbury Tales.”
Still, his work on “Cautionary” wasn’t entirely unappreciated, as the tales themselves were appropriated by parents everywhere, and one was even used by director Eddie Murphy as inspiration for the classic film “Norbit.”
Q: When is this column over?