ARE YOU READY FOR THE UNTOLD STORY OF EINSTEIN’S SISTER???!!!!???
Throughout this week, we’ve been featuring stories on Quad-Cities band Einstein’s Sister, which is releasing its first record in almost two decades this weekend, during Record Store Day at CoOp Records in Moline.
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The band – Kerry Tucker, Bill Douglas, Marty Reyhons, Steven Volk, and Andy Brock – is releasing a double-A side single, “Standing Still” and “Begin Again,” on transparent blue vinyl.
But that’s one of the only ways in which the band has been completely transparent.
Throughout this week, I’ve been scanning the archives and corners of the internet for information on this “Einstein’s Sister,” in an effort to present to you a complete picture of this band that many of you, especially those of you who haven’t reached puberty yet – which may or may not include some members of the band – haven’t discovered yet.
But now, well, you’re about to discover more than you bargained for.
You’re about to get all you can eat of Einstein’s Sister.
Ok, wait, that didn’t sound right.
You’re about to get a full buffet of Einstein’s Sister.
Hmmm, not quite there yet.
The last thing Bea Arthur ever saw.
You’re about to find out THE SHOCKING TRUTHS AND SECRETS BEHIND THE BAND EINSTEIN’S SISTER!
Now THAT’S better.
Especially the caps and exclamation point. Now that looks like something a real internet weirdo would type. Thank you for the suggestion, Perez Hilton. And for telling me I had spinach in my teeth. Maybe not so much thank you for putting your hand in my mouth to try to take it out. But, the thought was there.
Anyway, here are THE SHOCKING TRUTHS AND SECRETS BEHIND THE BAND EINSTEIN’S SISTER!!!!!
- Producers have to utilize a special microphone and effects on the vocals of their records because lead singer Bill Douglas insists on performing only with a full beard of domesticated honeybees gently caressing his chin and vocal chords.
- Guitarist Kerry Tucker served a short stint in prison when he met the “cash me ousside” girl ousside and repeatedly berated her, demanding to know what Dr. Phil smelled like. During his time in prison, he often asked to be placed in solitary confinement, where he could be found with a sanguine smile on his face, his lips with the barest hint of a whisper, a sole word upon the wind of his breath: “Elderberries.”
- Bassist Andy Brock has often claimed to be St. Louis Cardinals great Lou Brock, going so far as to don an old-timey uniform, carry around bags of peanuts and yell “Let’s play two!” at inappropriate moments. Much to the chagrin of his wife.
- The group was originally called Einstein’s Fuckhead Little Brother and Einstein’s Racist Alcoholic Uncle before settling on its current moniker. Another name considered was Studmaster Trolley and the Circle 8’s. Yet another name considered was Meth.
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THE Jeremy Gelbwaks.
Drummer Marty Reyhons is obsessed with equaling the drumming skills of the legendary Jeremy Gelbwaks. In fact, so much so that after every take on their first album, he would pester his bandmates, repeatedly asking, “Goddamn it! Was it as good as Jeremy Gelbwaks???” The band and producer Tom Tatman became so incensed with his strange perfectionism and obsession with Gelbwaks, which included him nicknaming each of his drum kit parts Jeremy, and often wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the insignia “Not As Good As Jeremy Motherfuckin’ Gelbwaks,” which he bought at the hot press lettering t-shirt shop at the mall, that Tatman and the band plotted his murder. However, they quickly decided against it, due to the fact that they didn’t have a reasonable place to hide the body, they figured his Mom might come looking for him, and, well, Marty’s just a swell guy. So they came up with an alternative plan, which they use to this day. After every take, one of the band members comes up to Marty, puts a hand on his shoulder, looks him in the eye, and says, with sincerity and solemn gravity, “Marty, Jeremy Gelbwaks would be proud.” Then they give him a Werther’s butterscotch candy from the sweater pocket of Bill’s cardigan, and somewhere, an angel gets its wings.
- If you play their vinyl album of “Learning Curves” backwards, it sounds terrible. No, really, don’t do it.
- All but one of the band members is allergic to Whoopi Goldberg.
- Kerry Tucker leads an active social life outside the band, so much so that he’s often asked to consult on the settings of female hygiene product commercials. Tucker enjoys careers as a racing jockey, an in-demand club DJ, and a mother of two who recently served jail time for embezzling close to $2 million. He also enjoys parkour, a fine pear brandy, and the music and lyrics of JoJo Siwa.
- Andy Brock is sometimes so ornery, he once shot a man for snoring too loud, he often bites down extra hard on gummy bears because
Kerry Tucker posed for this.
he once read a story on Huffington Post that they actually feel pain, and he’ll sometimes tell children that Santa Claus doesn’t like them. But, he’ll do it in Mandarin Chinese, so they can’t understand it, because he’s really not that bad of a guy once you get to know him.
- Their album “Humble Creatures” was a concept record about Caillou tripping acid and discovering we actually live in a virtual simulation created and manipulated by Paw Patrol.
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This asshole again.
Guitarist Steven Volk wasn’t included on the current record, in large part because he’s been dedicating his time to his passions of origami, horticulture, and creating life-sized sculptures of Wilfred Brimley out of Quaker Oats. Several of his sculptures are on display in New York’s Museum of Modern Art and in the collections of such renowned cultural mavens as Iman, Yoko Ono, and Carrot Top.
- Bill Douglas is also known for his artistic talents. He has a website called DrawMeBill, which features several portraits of celebrities, including Taylor Swift, Jennifer Lopez, and Jennifer Lawrence. An odd trait of his portraiture is that all of the pictures are done from at least 50 feet away from the subject.
- The band has actually had several of its songs on MTV, played in the background of a number of the station’s reality shows. In fact, in the group’s official bio, Douglas and Tucker say that one of the highlights of their career, that actually brought a collective tear to each of their eyes, was when they heard a beautiful and sensitive love ballad they’d written played during a scene of “Jersey Shore” where Snooki found out that The Situation had given her crabs.
- Each one of the band members has a tattoo of a different member of Limp Bizkit somewhere on his body. And when they put the tattoos together, it imbues them with a very special power – the ability to get in for half price at the Chorus Line Strip Club, as well as unlimited trips to the Early Bird breakfast buffet.
- All of the guys have an excellent sense of humor, and are great sports for allowing me to joke with them in this way. I wholeheartedly recommend you head over to CoOp Records in Moline on Saturday and pick up a copy of the excellent double-A side single, “Standing Still” and “Begin Again.”
Tell Marty that Jeremy Gelbwaks sent ya.
